It's hard to say goodbye

I'm ending this post with a devotional from the "Homeword Crew" again. (Jim Burns) If you'd like to check out their website just click on the title of this post. ("It's hard to say goodbye")

Three years ago this summer three things happened that have kind of changed the way I look at life. Two of them have crept back up on me recently so if you'll indulge me I'd like to share with you some insights and heartaches I've gained through them. I'll apologize in advance if I take a lot of your time. Reading in stages is completely understandable! :)

#1 ~ our youngest son, Micah Scott, was born on June 5. Micah's birth was a scheduled C-section so there were no surprises there. The fact that he was a boy was not a surprise ~ thankfully I had learned that earlier in the pregnancy and was able to go through a bit of a grieving process before he was born. You see, I long for a little girl to have tea with and to play dress-up with and to instill in her the beauty and strength of who God made her to be. Maybe it's a desire to "do it the right way" or maybe it's just that whenever I allowed myself to wonder if I'd ever get married and have a family a little girl would be in the picture. So I grieved a bit before Micah was born. (By the way...God is so good! I am thankful beyond words that I was able to do that grieving before he was born and I was able to hold him and behold the wonder of a him in my arms just as I did with his brother...and with his sister many years earlier.)
However, the fact that a "him" was born into our family isn't what changed my life. It's the fact that HE was born into my life! You see, Caleb was a pretty easy baby. He was calm and slept well and his personality was just so sweet. Going into son #2 I figured it would be no problem. Have you noticed how sick of a sense of humor God has sometimes? I'm just kidding! It's not really sick as much as it is unbelievable. Micah as a baby was the exact opposite of Caleb. I personally think it was because I had way too many doubts about the abilites of mothers with hard babies. I didn't think they couldn't handle it, I just figured there had to be something they weren't doing that would turn the whole thing around. I know!! Hello!? Earth to Trayc! Well, God took care of that. He gave me Micah. Now, before I go on I have to say that I love this little guy with my whole heart ~ I'm simply stating facts. I also can see now the gift of that experience as I come in contact with Moms of all stages with young children. I am able to relate to them all due to the wide variety of past experiences...I know what it's like to surrender your child into God's hands and trust Him with the future...I know what it's like to have a baby who makes you look like you're a great Mom just because they're so easy...and I know what it's like to have a baby who makes you wonder if you were ever cut out to be a Mom just because they're so strong-willed. (hmmm...I wonder which one I was ~ a Caleb baby, I'm sure! LOL!)
Micah taught me that there is nothing certain in this world. There are no definites. There will always be situations where no matter what you do to change it it is what it is and that's that. There will never be anything in your future that you can say how it's going to turn out without any shadow of a doubt. There will never be another person in your life who will be the person you need them to be every time. There will never be a time when you can say "this for sure" will happen because we have planned it well and we are just so on top of it. There will never be a day when you can make your list and make sure everything on it gets done exactly as you planned. Life is too uncertain. The only thing that is constant is the love of Christ and His faithfulness. For three years I've been trying to learn and remember that. Somedays I hit it on the head. Other days it hits me on the head. Thank God for brand new tomorrows!

So on to event #2 ~ Grandma Tooley died. I can't say I was especially close to Grandma Tooley, but I admire the lady tremendously. I mean, hello! She gave birth to FIFTEEN children!!!! All hers! Not a blended family....she gave birth to fifteen children! That in and of itself is worthy of the Motherhood hall of fame in my book! As I stop and think about it for a moment most of the women in my life are women I admire. My Mom is one of the most disciplined students of the Bible I know ~ My Aunts Mary, Bess, Vera, JoAnn, Susan, Sandi and Lyn are women who I think are fun, funny, strong and world-changers I am proud to know ~ Donna, Betsy and Leslie are women of Faith I want to be like when I grow up ~ my sister...you already know how I feel about her ~ my friends Jennifer, Jennifer, Tracy & Tammy are strong and beautiful women I am proud to know ~ I don't know that I've chosen them, but I know I am surrounded by incredible women. Grandma Tooley is kind of the matriarch of the bunch. She is definitely a "Martha." With 14 kids running around there wasn't much time for coffee and coffee-cake around the table with friends. No, I suppose it was more like baking bread and making dinner in the kitchen with friends (and man, could she cook! Cook of the Week in the Sioux Falls Argus Leader in 1976). She passed on that Martha syndrome to the women in our family ~ I don't fit in too well there. I'd much rather sit at the table and hear stories and hearts speak than worry about the gravy getting lumpy-bumpy...it caused some trouble growing up...remember that word "spoiled?" :)

Okay, so how did her passing change my life? Well, the obvious is that when someone you love passes away your life changes whether you want it to or not. The not so obvious in this case is that I wasn't able to go home for her funeral. My brother was in the middle of the ocean on a Navy ship in a time of war ~ I was sitting in Redding, CA with two little boys wondering why on earth I wasn't in South Dakota with my other family members who shared the history of a beautiful woman. This is one of those situations that is what it is and that's that. I said I can't change the situation, but I didn't say it can't change me.

I no longer look at people and events as no big deal. In fact, I don't think I ever did. I believe roadblocks don't stop you from doing what you need to do, priorities do. I believe in keeping your priorities in the correct order, but I also believe you need to evaluate priorities every now and then and re-shuffle the ones from #3 on down. (#1 - God, #2 - spouse, #3 - children...and #3 gets reshuffled only when they're on their own and you need to step out and let them grow up) Therefore, I believe that even though I had just given birth to a son a few weeks earlier and my husband was traveling something could have been worked out for Caleb, Micah and me to be there where I could grieve with those who knew the lady I was grieving. I'm not whining - I'm stating facts and taking a chance of baring my heart. I guess in some way I need to write this because not being at Grandma's funeral is a regret I will have until the day I die....along with not being at my nephew's wedding that same summer. There are other regrets and none of them have anything to do with things ~ they all are regrets over not being there for someone when I had the opportunity to celebrate their life.

If you have someone you'd like to celebrate, please share it in the comments section. Just click on the underlined "comments" and a new window will pop up ~ you can leave your comment there. If you have any problems with it you can e-mail me, too. singwithtrayc@hotmail.com I'd love to sit and hear your stories and listen to your heart speak ~ celebrate someone today, honor their memory, do what you have to do to have no regrets when they're not there anymore.

Here's that devotional I mentioned at the beginning...

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Grief & Reconciliation

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. Psalm 23:1-3

We buried my dad recently. After two weeks of battling complications from surgery, his body was tired, worn out and ready to rest. It is said that there are only two things in life that are certain: death and taxes. I’d rather pay taxes today, tomorrow, and everyday than lose someone so near to my heart. If you’ve lost someone close to you, you understand this, too.

Grief and sorrow are painful links in the chain of life that bind us together. Even though we come from different generations, different ethnic groups, different socio-economic backgrounds, or different educational backgrounds, there are some things that bring us together. Sorrow and grief do just that. They are universal experiences, universal emotions. C. S. Lewis, one of the greatest theologians of modern time, penned A Grief Observed after the death of his wife. In it he says, “There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in….I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”

Grief brings with it an unbearable pain, even to believers. In his most well-known Psalm (Psalm 23), David bares his soul and expresses his devotion to God even when things around him are dark, frightening and confusing. He hangs on to the promise of the Shepherd: to look after His sheep. This picture is continued in John 10:14-15 as Jesus says, “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me -- just as the Father knows me and I know the Father --and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

In times of grief, it is easy to feel lonely, isolated and misunderstood. We need to give ourselves permission to feel the fullness of these emotions. Even Jesus grieved over the deaths of close companions like John the Baptist and Lazarus. It’s the paradoxical truth that love is accompanied by pain. But what would life be like without the opportunity to love deeply? I was fortunate. I had many good years with my dad. Like many, we had some rough times to navigate through, but we took the time to heal some deep wounds and to renew a relationship that ended with no regrets.

Perhaps you are hurting today. Have sorrow and grief replaced the joy you shared in a relationship with someone? Why not make today a day of reconciliation? Yes, you may have to put aside your pride, admit your own wrongs and take responsibility. Or you may need to lovingly confront someone who has hurt you. Today is a new day and a new opportunity to begin again. Perhaps the person you need to forgive, or need forgiveness from, is already gone. Take some time and write a letter, granting forgiveness or asking for it. God has a way of transcending time and bringing healing even when the person is no longer present.

There is no better time than today. Live your life with no regrets. Love deeply. Forgive often.

GOING DEEPER:
1. Make a list of those with whom you need reconciliation. Begin today to restore relationships.
2. Who needs to hear the words, “I love you,” from you today? Start today and tell them every time you see them.
3. Maybe you need to grieve today. Set aside some time to feel the fullness of your emotions and allow God to be your healer.

FURTHER READING:Psalm 23; John 10: 1-18; Psalm 13

This devotional was written by Leslie Snyder.

12,000!!!

How many babies were born to girls 15 and under in 1996? The answer is my title~ 12,000!!! I chose a low number ~ 1,000 ~ thinking maybe it should have been the next possible answer (5,000), but I was shocked when I scored my test and the actual answer is 12,000!!!!!

If you'd like to know more about what's going on with today's youth, and find out how you can help make a difference in those whose lives you touch, go to the link posted above. (click on the "12,000!!!") Scott & I have purposely removed most of the opportunities for our boys to watch TV just for the sake of watching TV. We have videos they watch (Veggie Tales, McGee & Me, Adventures in Odyssey) whenever they want to watch a movie, as well as movies (The Incredibles, Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, Herbie the Love Bug series, etc) when we say that's okay, too. However, we've unplugged the Dish from their playroom and the tv downstairs is usually tuned to the satellite music channel instead of a show. I began to see the need to cut out the amount of TV they (we) watched a few months ago and have been weaning our family of it ever since. I don't believe we'll ever be a TV -free family, but I can say we are much pickier about what we watch now.

So - my challenge for today.... Turn the TV off. (It IS National Turn Off the TV Week this week ~ April 25 to May 1 ~ so why not?) Grab a book and read to your kids. Grab a book and read to yourself. Read the newspaper...the funny pages instead of the obits...the life section instead of the top news section. Go for a walk and look at the tulips (I love living where tulips bloom again!) or the spring flowers. Or...shock of all shockers...talk to each other! Type in "icebreaker games" on google.com and find some questions to ask each other you normally wouldn't. We had a blast doing just that last week at AWOL. You'll enjoy re-connecting as a family or with friends and your life will be enriched instead of entrenched.

Here are some other ideas to enrich your life...
Check out an audio course teaching a foreign language (we're currently learning German in our home).

Check out your local Parks & Rec for classes and courses of all types for all ages.

Go to an antique store as a family...look for one "odd" thing for each family member and then go someplace where you can write a story about the person who originally owned it and how they used it...or get a video camera and make a "documentary" about it.

You get the picture.... Have fun with this life you've been given! Remember...the JOY of the Lord is where our strength comes from. No wonder why studies show that laughter is good medicine.

So...Enjoy today - you've only got 24 hours of it and then it's gone. You'll never have this day back again. Take the time tonight to write down 3 things you're thankful for...do it every night and you'll have a thousand things you're thankful for in a year!

Well, Scott's in Sunny Florida receiving an award and the boys and I are going to go for a walk in the rain...Ciao!

Answer to Pain

Hi there~

I wanted to share my journal entry entitled "Pain" with you because I know everyone has those times when we wonder if God's just stepped out for a bit. The Bible tells us that He never does. He is always available, always present, and always involved in our lives (whether we believe He isn't doesn't mean He's not...). If you're in that place please know that He has not left you and He will never leave you. In the book of Jeremiah we find the "secret" to finding Him again: "when you seek me with your whole heart you will find me..." Have you ever lost something and absolutely had to find it? You turn your entire life inside out trying to find it, don't you? Well, what could possibly be more important than your relationship with the very One who created you? Seek Him. If you don't know Him, research Him. Find out about Him. Read Psalm 103 and highlight all the descriptive words of His character and who He is...even if you don't "know Him" personally, you can pray that He would open your eyes to the truth of who He is and He will do it. God is amazing! He's perfect and therefore He's able to have a relationship with us that will make us to be the very best we can be ~ the "us" we were created to be. Not only that, He loves you and longs for a relationship with you. Give Him the chance to give you His peace ~ it surpasses any sort of understanding of what peace could be! Let Him blow your mind!! I guarantee you'll be dumbstruck that it took you so long.

Thanks for reading! There is no greater joy for me than to know I touched people's lives with something that would make them want to grow deeper in their relationship with Christ or that they made a decision to start a relationship with Him because they saw Him in me. I'm simply the messenger ~ and I really am a fully human wimp ~ but He is everything your heart is longing for and more. As I say to my boys...the most important thing of all? Hold onto Jesus with all of your might!

Love,
Trayc

Pain

Here's a journal entry from the other night...I've dated this entry as if it were that night still. Enjoy!

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I was laughing with a friend today over the interesting ways God uses to get our attention. this friend was telling me about another couple who are friends of ours who had recently been discussing whether or not he should quit his job so they could start their own business. They really thought this could be a direction God was leading them in but even though he didn't like his job it was still a good job and kept their kids in clothes and their bills paid. He was laid off Monday. I'm so glad I serve a God who will allow the drastic to come in and put us in the place of necessary change.

As I write this I'm in hot water up to my neck thanks to a nerve or muscle in my upper shoulders/neck area that literally brought me to my knees with tears rolling down my cheeks a little while ago. I've never had a migraine, and I don't think that's what this is, but I am thankful I don't get migraines or even measly little headaches too often. My compassion & prayers for family members who do has just increased tremendously.

Y'see ~ I'm a wimp. No, really, I am. When something goes wrong my first response tends to be, "Lord! I can't do this! What are You doing here!?" Yes, I suppose it's time for me to admit it...I was a bit of a spoiled child (not a lot, just a bit, honest!), and I tend to revert back when things happen with no input from me or anyone else through poor choices.

That's what I did tonight ~ with tears rolling down my face I started tidying up the Family room thinking, "Lord! This hurts so badly! Scott's sitting there...can he not see that I'm in pain?! Will he even notice?" (Scott and I had just finished watching The Apprentice and were currently watching a special on the life of Pope Benedict XVI.) He did notice eventually and asked what he could do to help ~ he's truly my gift!~ so while I came upstairs he brewed me a cup of wonderfully soothing peppermint tea and brought it to me. (by the way, I didn't say anything because I honestly could not do anything but try to keep from sobbing...) And you're probably thinking, "good for him. This has to do with anything...how?"

Well, stick with me to the end....I climbed into the tub and started reading an old book I "borrowed" from my Mom's library about three years ago titled "Disciplines of the Beatiful Woman" by Anne Ortlund. By page 11 (which is really page three of text) I realized God gave me an answer to the "what are you DOING?" question. Mrs. Ortlund first paraphrases Brother Lawrence and his statement that peace doesn't come until pain is as welcome as a lack of pain. (I was fighting the pain and wondering who was going to "save me from it." ~ there was no peace!) She goes on to say that "pain is God's beautiful gift, anyway, to make us lean harder on Him, when He knows we need it." I immediately thought of how I had pity-party after pity-party when I first found out I have multiple food allergies, and how I was so upset about having to go through so much change. (See? I told ya I was a wimp!)

But then, with a little Mendelssohn filling the air and the soothing fingers of hot water loosening the knots in my shoulders, I read this..."Or pain can simply be the means to that quiet we long for." I put the book down and grabbed my journal. (I want to make a habit of recording the times God steps in for those times when I feel He's stepped away.) Just this afternoon when I was watching a friend's two boys (who happen to be my boys best friends) it seemed to be one thing after another. First Caleb gets poked near the eye with a toothpick, Brady gets hurt wrestling with Caleb, Matthew is crying because he had to sit on the toybox until I was calm enough to talk to him about proper toothpick usage and Micah was crying because I was making him lay down for a nap. Amidst all the chaos I went to my desk, put my head in my hands, felt the throbbing in my temples and asked God, "Can I have no peace? All I want is quiet!" Whoddathunk that peace and quiet would come in the form of a remedy for tremendous pain? God, You're awesome! Than You for the reminder that You DO hear, You DO care, and You DO answer prayer...when YOU know the time is right.


PS: since I can't get a Dr. to prescribe me real reading glasses I use store-bought readers...they've been wonderful taking the strain off my eyes tonight. And, to keep the weight of my hair from pulling on my scalp I have a shower cap on...Scott walked in and called me Granny...what was that I called him? Gift? Curse? (LOL!)

Book Recommendations

Hi there! This morning I was reading an e-mail requesting books for a list this person was composing of summer reading recommendations for children. Since then I have been thinking of books I would recommend to somone to take along on a vacation or to have by their bedside/favorite chair. These are some of the books that have come to feel like old friends to me. I hope you can relate to some of them, and feel free to add your favorites in the comments section!

Fiction:
Redemption series by Karen Kingsbury & Gary Smalley (I had the joy of meeting Karen through our MOMS book club at church ~ she recommended this series to me after hearing a bit of my story and I have not been disappointed. So far I have read the first three books of the series.)

Glenbrooke series by Robin Jones Gunn ~ I had bought these as the complete set when they were mismarked at our Christian Bookstore in Redding for $5.97! (seven books) This is a great series for simply getting lost in the relationships of people. I love how she weaves everyone's tales together.

Trixie Belden series byKathryn Kenney ~ yes, you read it right! Trixie Belden Girl Detective the series from the 60's! I grew up on Trixie Belden and I have recently re-discovered her books since they're currently being re-published. I have a whole new insight into my crazy mind and love for all things detective after having gone back and read the series again.

Life Challenging:
Love Beyond Reason by John Ortberg ~ given to me by his father when I worked in LA, this is by far my favorite book. If you've ever realized (or maybe not realized yet, but wondered) about your view of the unfailing love of Jesus this book will become one of your favorites, too. John has such a conversational and humorous way of writing that he makes the words come to life and touch the reader in amazing ways. I highly recommend his other books, too...The Life You've Always Wanted and If You Want to Walk on Water...You've Got to Get Out of the Boat.

The Journey of Desire by John Eldredge ~ I have this thing about truly living the life we've been given to live if you haven't noticed that already. This book is a great book to encourage you to really figure out what your desires are and to seek God's desire for your life...because when you seek Him he will give you the desires of your heart. John makes such a clear statement of truth in saying that when you seek God, really SEEK Him, you want to know more of Him (unlike most of us and regular people...it seems the more you know the more you wish you didn't know) and when you seek Him and know Him and seek HIS desire for your life you find your own desires changing. So, if you've ever wondered how to leave your mark on this life, read this book.

Intimacy With the Almighty by Chuck Swindoll ~ I read this book when Caleb was a baby and it changed my life. We are made, literally created, for relationship. The greatest relationships are those where we allow ourselves to become intimately involved (not sexual intimacy...BIG difference!) in the lives of others. And the most intimate and fulfilling relationship we can ever have is with The One who created us and knows us better than we can ever know ourselves...God. Get the tape series to go along with it and spend the time developing a relationship with eternal rewards.

NON-Fiction:
Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson ~ as a woman who is raising two males and married to another male I feel incredibly ill-equipped at times. This book has helped me understand how God has made my boys to be. (another one that is great for this is Wild at Heart by John Eldredge) It covers it all...if you've got boys I suggest this book HIGHLY!

The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman ~ read it, apply it, live it. You'll understand why after you do.

Why You Act the Way You Do by Tim Lahaye ~ the earliest memory I have of this book is long before I was married and Mom bought it at some store on a Saturday afternoon. We got in the car (Dad, Mom & me) and she started reading about the Sanguine personality...tell me if you can figure out who she was talking about when she read, "the sanguine has all the tools and toys they need to get the job done. They'll wake up nice and early on a Saturday to mow the lawn and they'll get all their tools/toys lined up and ready to go ~ blades sharpened, gas in the gas tanks ~ and three hours later they're still standing at the fence talking to the neighbor about anything and everything." We laughed REAL hard that day! (Even Dad ~ you gotta love someone who can laugh at themselves!)

Children's Books:
Jared and the Odinary, Handy-Dandy, Excellent, Extraordinary, Plain Brown String by Dana Webb ~ I love this book that tells the story about a boy who was given a plain brown string and how he used it to touch the lives of so many.

Christian's Journey by Karl Schaller, Lee Hough, and Liz Duckworth ~ this is the classic, Pilgrim's Progress retold for children. It's fun to read to and with your kids.

The 20th Century Children's Book Treasury ~ this book is actually 44 different books in one and if you only buy one book for your children this summer, buy this one. I love the selection...it includes Where the Wild Things Are, Amelia Bedelia, Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel, and The Stinky Cheese Man. And those are only a few. This is a great collection of great books I remember from my own childhood.

So there it is. I hope you try some of them on for size. If you do, let me know what you think ~ I love to discuss books with people!

Don't forget to leave your list of favorites in the comments section, too!