i'm not sure where this came from....

this post is one I feel i must write. it's about being real. it's about being comfortable enough in the love of those around you that you can show them who you really are. it's about transparency and trust and faith...all wrapped up into one big courage sandwich.

y'see, if you were to ask me if i thought i was courageous, i would definitely say, "nope. not a chance." and then i would ponder that question and the answer i gave for the next two or three days. and i'd probably come to the same answer every time.

our MOMS leadership group is reading a book called "having a mary heart in a martha world" for our Bible study, and this week's lesson was on worry. i'm not a big worrier. i don't freak out over what "might" be, and i certainly don't freak out over what "could" be. i'm just not a worrier. the way i look at it is God's in control, so why should i worry? is bad stuff going to happen? yup. is good stuff going to happen? yup. can i control the bad stuff? nope ~ not really. i can prevent and be proactive in preparing for preventing it, but in the end i really can't control it. can i control the good stuff? man. as much as i wish i could bring only good stuff to those i love and good stuff to the world all i can do is make sure i, myself, am not taking the good stuff away...and that i'm looking for the good stuff.

so with that kind of attitude you'd think i'd be pretty even-keel, right? i mean, really now...if God's in control and i surrender most worries i actually do find myself having into His hands then i should be pretty joyful and upbeat and happy, right? yeah, you'd think so.

but what i'm learning is that the more i realize God's in control and realize how very little control i have over this world, this life and the things that happen the more i find myself angry, frustrated and down-hearted. i mean, come on! do any of you who have experienced marital problems, children's rebellions, baby illnesses ~ terminal or curable, or personal pain really live in an eternal bubble of joy? is it possible for someone...years later...days later...in the moment to never be angry with the God who is in control? i have. shoot me now and send me straight to hell, i have.

i've been angry with God that my daughter, due to my stupid mistakes ~yes, but my daughter lives in another home instead of with me. i've been angry with God that our niece is a memory instead of a playmate. i've been angry with God that marriages built by Him and begun by Him are in turmoil and pain and agony over the attacks and lies of an enemy HE COULD SQUASH LIKE A BUG!! here is my confession ~ I'M ANGRY!! but don't stop reading here, because there's more...

i may be angry with God for giving us choices, allowing us pain and triumph, and all that living in this world brings, but i'm also thankful for His giving us choices, allowing us pain and triumph and all that living in this world brings. today i read the blog of my cousin, joel, and the story of the journey they're on with having their baby girl's head operated on because of a bone malfunction (to put it VERY broadly), and i am amazed that i, living in washington state, could be reading the news ~ and seeing pictures of ~ my cousin's family living in kansas within hours of them posting the entries. i am amazed at the technology that allowed such a surgery to be done. i am amazed.

and then my thoughts turn elsewhere. to another hospital in what seems like the not so distant past. and i'm crying. i'm crying that my sons will never know their cousin, morgan, until they get to heaven. and i think of the post of one of the gals on joel's website and i'm brought an odd kind of peace knowing morgan is watching, laughing, groaning and loving her cousins along with Jesus and the cousins and sibling that went on before her.

the truth of the matter is, i want to be angry. i choose to be angry when it feels like there's nothing i can do. i want to fix the world! i want people i love to let go of their anger ~ their guilt ~ they're bitterness toward themselves and toward God ~ and all that keeps us focused in our "place" and release it. but i know the comfortable blanket the anger, the bitterness, the guilt can be....and i know it's hard to let go. and i know God won't pull it away without our permission. and yet He longs to take it. He tells us that He wants to take it upon Himself so that our load may be lightened. He loves us with an everlasting love....and He'll take us back...every time. with or without our anger. and when we're ready...so is He.

some of you may be wondering, "what in the world? where is this coming from?" well, i don't really know. all i know is that i see so much anger in the world. and i see so much anger that people try to cover up. and i understand it. i'm there. and if i'm not there right now, i've been there. i've yelled at God. i've walked around with my chip on my shoulder because the circumstance that surrounded me were anything BUT joyful. i've been in the place where i've said all the right things when people talked about different "stuff" and then turned around and thought, "yeah, whatever! like God really cares!" i've put on the good Christian face because that's what i'm supposed to do...afterall, if God is love and i love God, then i should never be angry with Him. afterall, anger is bad. but is it really? when i go to God with my anger and am straight up honest with Him...the strangest thing happens. He takes it. and then He takes me. and then He wraps His arms around me and says, "fear not, for I have overcome the world." and i know. i know it's going to be okay because this world isn't what it's all about. and i cling to that.

i don't know who reads this blog. to be honest, i'm beyond wondering and hoping and wishing i knew. but i do know people read it, and i do know God lays things on my heart for a reason. so if you're reading this and you're finding that it's making you kind of sick to your stomach and you're really wanting to click to another website....maybe it's a good time to let it go. maybe it's a good time to let the tears flow. maybe now is the moment you've been wanting. waiting for and yet hoping never came. maybe it's now. it's okay. the blanket of security is much more comfortable than the blanket of anger and fear over a God who may not love you as much as people say He does because bad stuff has happened. the fear is a lie. God loves you. and, i have to say this here because i have been in the place (not so long ago) of believing He really loved everyone BUT me. ..but he loves me too. and he loves you. He longs for you....come to Jesus and let Him wipe away the anger, the fear. maybe now.

WOO HOO!!

Today is still September 18th in my world. My days don't end at midnight ~ lately they seem to be going well into the next day before they end. So, the fact that it's 12:25 am and I am just now sitting down to do this is only an indication of how crazy the week before MOMS starts is for the Publicity person. but I digress....the real reason I'm sitting here at 12:26 am and not laying my heavy eyelids on my cheeks and my head on my pillow is because today is a very important day in my life. Will you all please join me in wishing someone very special...very incredible...very beautiful, witty, funny and charming a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SOPHIA!!!! 10 Years old.....how'd that happen? What an incredible journey it's been. You are beautiful, Soph. You are amazing to me and I thank God for the wonder of you in my life. May this year be beautiful and happy and wonderful all year long. I love you.

Trayc

Amazed

I don't know what's been up with me lately, but I've been really....well, pissy. I know. It's not a pretty word, but sometimes "nice" words simply don't describe what it really is. Please forgive me if you're offended...there's no offense meant.

ANYWAY....I've been in a really bad mood...A LOT. Maybe it's because I haven't been taking my Mannatech as regularly as I should...maybe it's because the weather has changed...maybe it's because school starts in a week and a half and I feel as if I have nothing together. (Even though I actually have most everything together except the attitude/discipline changes I longed to see made in my children this summer.) Who knows? All I know is I've been really crabby and, therefore, mean.

I don't like being mean. I like being happy and gregarious and laughing a lot. I don't like it when I get like this. I know my kids don't either. Neither does Scott. Go figure.

Well, this afternoon I was cleaning up the house and saw that the boys had to finish the job they were told to do yesterday. I called them downstairs and informed them of what they needed to do (clean up the backyard). I actually did it calmly and nicely.

Caleb spent most of the 20 minutes they were outside walking around the yard "flying" the helicopter he picked up right after he went out there. Needless to say...I went out to take it away.

And he screamed.

Now, if you've been around Caleb you've probably heard this scream. It's the kind of blood-curdling scream girls use in horror movies. It's ear-shattering and INCREDIBLY annoying. And when you hear it more than you care to it's immediately angering.

So he came inside.

Really? He was dragged inside because he kept thinking the scream (because I took the toy away) was appropriate to continue and listening to his mother was not.

So....fast forward about 1 hour. I've been cleaning and working on some MOMS stuff and carrying on this "back of my head" kind of prayer to God about how to implement changes and how to even find the wisdom He offers to raise my boys to be unlike me in the work-ethic/discipline category. Caleb, having been cleaning his room and putting his clothes away as he was told to do, opened his door and smiled at me. He came over and gave me a hug and asked if I had heard "this song" before. (Sorry...can't remember the song since right now I'm hearing a different song coming from his room, but it was a cool song about loving Jesus.) I gave him a hug and asked if he was feeling better about actually doing what he was told to do.....

As he walked back into his room (he wasn't quite finished) he turned and said, "hey, Mom?" "yes?" "I think from now on when I have to clean my room I'm going to listen to music like this." "oh? why's that?" "well......when I go into my room to clean it up and there's no music I hear in my head that I should play instead. But when I'm listening to Jesus music when I'm supposed to be cleaning I'm better able to hear what you said to do because then I can't hear my own thoughts in my head."

As he closed the door the song that came on the radio was...........

I can't believe this..........

It was if God Himself reached out and touched me...............

And tears rushed down my cheeks as I listened to the words of one of my favorite songs.................






Mercy Came Running.




So, don't give up. Even when everything seems to be spiraling out of control.....
Mercy comes running.

Proof positive ~ God cares about every detail of your life and He cares about where you're at.
He cares about what you're celebrating.
He cares about what you're afraid of.
He cares about the character challenge you're tired of in yourself.
He cares about the task you keep putting off because you dread it so much.
He cares.
His mercies are new every morning.
And they come when you least expect it.
Hang on....
"for when you seek Me with all you are you will find Me."
Hold on to Jesus with all your might.

peaceout.

Dreams ~ Deep, longing, heartfelt dreams

Dreams ~ where do they come from? The dreams I hold in my heart that I dare not utter for fear they will be laughed at, joked about, tossed aside in the plunder of the life unused. The dream at the core of my being….placed there by God Himself…what is it?

What were the dreams of my childhood? Being a great teacher ~ singing on a stage with thousands applauding and crying and being moved by the music ~ being swept off my feet by my knight in shining armor. All of them dreams I held deep in the recesses of my soul. What would I write on my paper for the Blue Bottle?

Lord, what I know is that there are dreams I have in my heart that I cannot explain. There are dreams and conscious understandings of what will be that I cannot fathom or ever believe *I* had the ability to conceptualize. Are those the dreams from You? The dreams I even dare not write here? The dreams that are bigger and more astounding than I could ever have imagined? Or are those dreams the dreams my mother thinks I have? The dreams that are about me being applauded and lifted up. The dreams based on my pride and not on Your Glory…. Father! Father! All I long for is for who YOU have made me to be! All the dreams I have inside are nothing if they do anything but bring glory to YOU.

“You can say I’m a dreamer…but I’m not the only one.” I hate the song, but that line is all that comes to mind when I think of dreams.


“One night Joseph had a dream and promptly reported the details to his brothers, causing them to hate him even more. ‘Listen to this dream,’ he announced. “We were out in the field tying up bundles of grain. My bundle stood up and then your bundles all gathered around and bowed low before it!’
‘So you are going to be our king, are you?’ his brothers taunted. And they hated him all the more for his dream and what he had said.”

Is this what it is that holds us back, Father? Is it the fact that our own family members have issues with our dreams? Is it the cutting comments and the fear of being outcast from our own flesh and blood that keeps us from being who YOU have made us to be?

In my own life I have had many dreams ~ and many of those dreams have been scoffed at and even said to be foolish wanderings of my own flesh and pride. But, Father, there is something in me that burns to get out. There is a flame of desire in me that is not my own. If it were my own it would have been snuffed out a hundred times over in fear that I might actually make it. Instead, no matter what anyone says, and no matter what anyone does, the dream is bolstered and fanned. That’s You, isn’t it? That is not my dream ~ that is the dream YOU have placed in me to burst into fire when You say “go.”

Lord, I want to be found worthy of that day. As I mother my children; love, respect and cherish my husband, and draw closer and closer to You may my life be the dream You have placed in me lived out. I’m done dreaming for myself, Father ~ that’s Your job. Dream for my life and let me see what I need to do when I need to do it ~ and then to cling to You, realize “You + Me = Majority” and GO FOR IT.”

This life’s simply not worth living if it has not been lived for You…in You…of You…and for the sole purpose of getting as many people as is possible to realize that very simple fact. Surrender. I surrender all.

Your beloved,
Trayc

WOW

I was just reading an e-mail update from our church and learned that an older gentleman in our congregation has advanced leukemia. I don't know the man personally, but I know I've heard many people talk about him who DO know him. Currently our pastor is doing a series on Joseph. It's a powerful series about a man who, when you take a good look at his life and put "normal" reactions onto it, should have been bitter and vengeful but was instead confident and peaceful.

Our pastor said this in his e-mail, "What an amazing guy. His willingness to look for God in the midst of all kinds of difficulty is amazing to me. Joseph’s trust in the Lord in spite of rejection, mistreatment, and false accusation is a tremendous inspiration.
But that’s what God uses! That’s when God shines! Anyone can talk about faith. But showing it when the dark days come, that’s the real proof..."

Then he went on to say this about Art, the gentleman with leukemia, "And the dark days can come. I was just speaking with one of our long time leaders, Art Young. He’s been diagnosed with very advanced leukemia. He’s weak and vulnerable. I couldn’t even talk directly to him – too dangerous. He can walk outside but can’t touch anything – too dangerous…there might be a mold or fungus or bacteria that his body can’t resist.
So, he’s really bummed, right? Nope. This modern day Joseph talks about been “blown away by the blessings of God.” He’s working on a plan to find bone marrow donors. He excited about the prospect of helping others! Why? “Because I’m OK whether I live or die, but how often do you get a chance to save a human life?”

So I was curious and went to view Art's blog about being a donor...and then went to his personal blog and read the following...
"God has been so gracious to me. I’m so thankful. I’ve had three great days in a row. But, the best news is that today is the first day that ALL my blood components have gone in the right direction. Some of the changes are small, but all in the right direction. If this trend continues, I will not have to get transfusions until the stem cell transplant process, if that is God’s plan."

I got as far as "I've had three great days in a row" and I started crying ~ how amazing is that? Three great days and he rejoices. It's what I want to be in my life ~ to see each day as a gift and rejoice in what goes right more than in what goes wrong.

Lord, help me to see Your blessings in my life more than I see my trials. Focus my mind on heaven and what's to come ~ to know You "have my back" and to rest in Your strength and Your peace. Keep me in line with the Mother and Wife I want to be so I can be the wife and mother my husband and boys need me to be. I love you so much and long to be all You have created me to be. I can do all things through Your strength. Amen.

If you want to read Art's blog it's linked in the title ~ it's often through the eyes of those in tremendous adversity that we can be most encouraged in our own lives.

Have a great day ~ we're off to South Dakota today and am looking forward to seeing my family. (Some of whom Scott hasn't met yet!)

Love,
Trayc