this post is one I feel i must write. it's about being real. it's about being comfortable enough in the love of those around you that you can show them who you really are. it's about transparency and trust and faith...all wrapped up into one big courage sandwich.
y'see, if you were to ask me if i thought i was courageous, i would definitely say, "nope. not a chance." and then i would ponder that question and the answer i gave for the next two or three days. and i'd probably come to the same answer every time.
our MOMS leadership group is reading a book called "having a mary heart in a martha world" for our Bible study, and this week's lesson was on worry. i'm not a big worrier. i don't freak out over what "might" be, and i certainly don't freak out over what "could" be. i'm just not a worrier. the way i look at it is God's in control, so why should i worry? is bad stuff going to happen? yup. is good stuff going to happen? yup. can i control the bad stuff? nope ~ not really. i can prevent and be proactive in preparing for preventing it, but in the end i really can't control it. can i control the good stuff? man. as much as i wish i could bring only good stuff to those i love and good stuff to the world all i can do is make sure i, myself, am not taking the good stuff away...and that i'm looking for the good stuff.
so with that kind of attitude you'd think i'd be pretty even-keel, right? i mean, really now...if God's in control and i surrender most worries i actually do find myself having into His hands then i should be pretty joyful and upbeat and happy, right? yeah, you'd think so.
but what i'm learning is that the more i realize God's in control and realize how very little control i have over this world, this life and the things that happen the more i find myself angry, frustrated and down-hearted. i mean, come on! do any of you who have experienced marital problems, children's rebellions, baby illnesses ~ terminal or curable, or personal pain really live in an eternal bubble of joy? is it possible for someone...years later...days later...in the moment to never be angry with the God who is in control? i have. shoot me now and send me straight to hell, i have.
i've been angry with God that my daughter, due to my stupid mistakes ~yes, but my daughter lives in another home instead of with me. i've been angry with God that our niece is a memory instead of a playmate. i've been angry with God that marriages built by Him and begun by Him are in turmoil and pain and agony over the attacks and lies of an enemy HE COULD SQUASH LIKE A BUG!! here is my confession ~ I'M ANGRY!! but don't stop reading here, because there's more...
i may be angry with God for giving us choices, allowing us pain and triumph, and all that living in this world brings, but i'm also thankful for His giving us choices, allowing us pain and triumph and all that living in this world brings. today i read the blog of my cousin, joel, and the story of the journey they're on with having their baby girl's head operated on because of a bone malfunction (to put it VERY broadly), and i am amazed that i, living in washington state, could be reading the news ~ and seeing pictures of ~ my cousin's family living in kansas within hours of them posting the entries. i am amazed at the technology that allowed such a surgery to be done. i am amazed.
and then my thoughts turn elsewhere. to another hospital in what seems like the not so distant past. and i'm crying. i'm crying that my sons will never know their cousin, morgan, until they get to heaven. and i think of the post of one of the gals on joel's website and i'm brought an odd kind of peace knowing morgan is watching, laughing, groaning and loving her cousins along with Jesus and the cousins and sibling that went on before her.
the truth of the matter is, i want to be angry. i choose to be angry when it feels like there's nothing i can do. i want to fix the world! i want people i love to let go of their anger ~ their guilt ~ they're bitterness toward themselves and toward God ~ and all that keeps us focused in our "place" and release it. but i know the comfortable blanket the anger, the bitterness, the guilt can be....and i know it's hard to let go. and i know God won't pull it away without our permission. and yet He longs to take it. He tells us that He wants to take it upon Himself so that our load may be lightened. He loves us with an everlasting love....and He'll take us back...every time. with or without our anger. and when we're ready...so is He.
some of you may be wondering, "what in the world? where is this coming from?" well, i don't really know. all i know is that i see so much anger in the world. and i see so much anger that people try to cover up. and i understand it. i'm there. and if i'm not there right now, i've been there. i've yelled at God. i've walked around with my chip on my shoulder because the circumstance that surrounded me were anything BUT joyful. i've been in the place where i've said all the right things when people talked about different "stuff" and then turned around and thought, "yeah, whatever! like God really cares!" i've put on the good Christian face because that's what i'm supposed to do...afterall, if God is love and i love God, then i should never be angry with Him. afterall, anger is bad. but is it really? when i go to God with my anger and am straight up honest with Him...the strangest thing happens. He takes it. and then He takes me. and then He wraps His arms around me and says, "fear not, for I have overcome the world." and i know. i know it's going to be okay because this world isn't what it's all about. and i cling to that.
i don't know who reads this blog. to be honest, i'm beyond wondering and hoping and wishing i knew. but i do know people read it, and i do know God lays things on my heart for a reason. so if you're reading this and you're finding that it's making you kind of sick to your stomach and you're really wanting to click to another website....maybe it's a good time to let it go. maybe it's a good time to let the tears flow. maybe now is the moment you've been wanting. waiting for and yet hoping never came. maybe it's now. it's okay. the blanket of security is much more comfortable than the blanket of anger and fear over a God who may not love you as much as people say He does because bad stuff has happened. the fear is a lie. God loves you. and, i have to say this here because i have been in the place (not so long ago) of believing He really loved everyone BUT me. ..but he loves me too. and he loves you. He longs for you....come to Jesus and let Him wipe away the anger, the fear. maybe now.
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