Mommy

I am the mother of four children. Yes, you read that correctly ~ FOUR. This post is an open letter to each of them. As I look forward to celebrating Mother's Day with two of my four children I am filled with what it means to be a "Mom," and the desire to do it to the very best of my ability. At times I think I fail miserably. At times I think I should be awarded the Mother of the Year award. All the time I wonder how I could ever live my life not knowing this incredibly demanding, rewarding, frustrating, incredible and challenging time of my life.

Dear Sophie, my first child, my sweet little girl, how precious you are! For months I talked to you before you were born knowing you were going to be a beautiful little girl ~ and now I look at you and I am in wonder and awe over just how beautiful you really are. Not only on the outside, sweetie, but on the inside, too. When your Mommy tells me about how friendly you are and how you have such a heart for Jesus I know my prayers were all heard while I carried you in my tummy. I prayed continually that you would know peace and joy in your life...God is so good to give you so much of both in such abundance!
Soph, never could I imagine life without knowing you. I pray constantly for you even now ~ that you would have above all else a peace knowing you are loved by so many and that you would never doubt my love for you. The greatest gift I have been given came when I was carrying you inside of me. Without you in my life my relationship with Jesus would not be what it is today. Thank you, dear Sophie, for being the gift God used to change my life for the best. My gift to you on this day is a Bible verse that makes me think of you and that I pray for you... it just seems to fit you. :) Psalm 18: 28 - 30 "Lord, You have brought light to my life; my God, you light up my darkness. In Your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall. As for God, His way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection." You are strong and beautiful, Sophie and I love you, sweetheart. With all my heart I love you. I am proud to be your Tummy Mommy.

Dear Little One, the one I'll never know on this earth. The day I found out I was carrying you inside of me I wanted to sing praises, jump up and down and shout it from the mountaintops. Instead I went to Babies R Us and put together a very special package for your Daddy. I'll never forget the look on his face when he came into our bedroom and saw that Winnie the Pooh diaper bag sitting on the bed. He was so confused! And as he opened it and pulled out a bib and a blanket and a rattle and some other things it began to dawn on him that we were going to be a family. You couldn't have wiped the smile off his face if you had tried. For the next two weeks we looked forward with hope in who you would be. There are some who would say that wasn't enough time to know you and to become attached to being your Mommy, but anyone who has been through a situation like it knows that just isn't true. I look forward to meeting you one day. Until then, have fun with Jesus and your cousins and know I will never forget you and the joy you brought for a very short time. I love you. Psalm 30: 11-12 "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to You and never be silent. O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever!" Until we meet in heaven...

Dear Caleb, My Bubber, what an incredible little man you are! At five years old I am continually amazed at how smart you are. You can wrap your mind around a difficult concept and make it make sense to Micah (and to me!) in such a way that it makes me think you are much older than you are. And yet, the very next minute you may ask me to help you tie your shoes or pour your milk and I am brought back to the reality that you are still my very big little boy. Caleb, do you know what I love most about you? Your heart. I love to hear you pray for your friends each night ~ even the friends who aren't exactly the nicest to you ~ that God will be with them and keep them safe and help them to know how much He loves them (in your words..."even when they are mean.") I never knew I could love someone so much who could bring such a clarity to all of my bad qualities! :) You bring out both the best and the worst in me, my sweet boy, and I thank you for accepting me for me. For telling me when I come to you and ask for forgiveness for yelling instead of dealing that you love me like Jesus loves me and that you won't hold it against me is a gift, Caleb. I love to watch you ~ today at the park as you rounded up all the kids and led them into the chore of picking up pine cones and filling the holes of the tree I heard you say, "good job, team! You did it! Now, on to the next thing!" and they all followed you over to the play structure where pinecones became money in the makeshift store. You will make a great leader someday, Caleb. My constant prayer for you is found in the Bible in the story of the Caleb you are named after. The first part of Numbers 14:24 tells what kind of man he was..."But my servant Caleb has a different spirit. He follows me with his whole heart..." Hold on to Jesus with all of your might, Bubber, only He will never fail you, and when you keep your heart focused on Him He will make your paths straight. I love you, Caleb ~ You truly are my sunshine!

Dear Micah, the boy with the golden smile! How you can make me laugh, little one! At almost three years old you are the epitome of the youngest child. You insist on doing it yourself, you love to follow your big brother and do all that he is doing, you make people laugh with your wit and your antics, and you love to be right smack dab in the middle of it all. I have loved watching you grow up, Micah. Being your Mommy has changed my life ~ in so many ways. You have taught me that life is worth living even when it's not quite what you expected. And, yes, you have so much of your Daddy in you that when it's not what you expected you will make it what it was supposed to be! Today on our walk you wanted to fix all the little things you saw that were out of place. The crack in the trail...that simply should not be there, Mom! The cigarette butt on the sidewalk outside someone's house...oooh! Mom, this isn't supposed to be here! You make me think of that television character I love so much, Monk. Your shoes have to be lined up just so if you're going to put them away, but when you're playing with the bean-pot in the playroom it doesn't matter if they're all over the floor. You are so multi-faceted and as you get older I enjoy seeing the character God has made you to be. You, too, will touch many lives, Micah and I pray that the words from the Prophet you were named after will be the motto of your life, "The Lord has shown you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8. I love you, Micah ~ more than I could ever put into words, I love you.

And finally...if I could end this post with a special letter to a very special lady who taught me in so many different ways what a Mom is....

Dear Mom, do you realize how beautiful you are? I mean it. Do you know you are beautiful? You are beautiful on the outside ~ pretty smile and eyes and just plain beautiful. And you are beautiful on the inside. I remember many days growing up seeing your heart spill out your eyes as your desire to raise children who love God with their whole hearts seemed to not be working out like you wanted it to. The pain of knowing your hearts deepest desire may very well not become reality was overwhelming at times as you struggled with each one of us ~ Tami, Todd and me. And yet you never gave up on that prayer. You never stopped loving us or loving God or respecting Dad.

And speaking of Dad...I've never heard you say anything degrading about Dad, Mom. You may have shown your frustration over something he was doing, but you never put words to it. That is powerful to someone like me who is much too free with her criticism and judgements of people. I long to be like you in that area. Thank you for that model in my life.

Mom, do you realize you were a "love and logic" mom before Jim Fay or Foster Cline ever thought of writing a book? I remember fighting with Todd and you made us sit in kitchen chairs with our knees touching until we could look at each other and apologize and tell each other we loved each other...and MEAN it! You allowed consequences to be natural...and many times painful knowing they were often the best teachers. Thank you, too, for that model. You knew that out of pain can come character and wisdom...two things that really can't be taught. In my deepest pain, though, you never let me think there was anything wrong with me. (now, to back up the bus here a bit I have to say before my deepest pain you wondered many times what was wrong with me, but when it mattered.... *grin!*) When I was five months pregnant and unmarried and it was a Saturday night you did something powerful in my life that was simply you being you. You came downstairs and asked if I'd like to go to church with you in the morning. I don't remember if you verbalized it, but it was clear that you knew it would be difficult and you wouldn't blame me for not wanting to go but that if I did you wouldn't be embarassed to have me go with you. I knew you loved me for me that day. Thank you.

Mom, I haven't been an easy child for you to raise. We're so very different from each other in so many ways and yet alike enough to butt heads like the best of them. You felt pushed out many days and I felt pushed on, but today, on Mother's Day, 2005 I want to stand before all who are reading this and let them know that I am blessed to have YOU, Lucy, as my Mom. I arise and call you blessed, "There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!" I love you, Mom.

Love,
Trayc