It's hard to say goodbye

I'm ending this post with a devotional from the "Homeword Crew" again. (Jim Burns) If you'd like to check out their website just click on the title of this post. ("It's hard to say goodbye")

Three years ago this summer three things happened that have kind of changed the way I look at life. Two of them have crept back up on me recently so if you'll indulge me I'd like to share with you some insights and heartaches I've gained through them. I'll apologize in advance if I take a lot of your time. Reading in stages is completely understandable! :)

#1 ~ our youngest son, Micah Scott, was born on June 5. Micah's birth was a scheduled C-section so there were no surprises there. The fact that he was a boy was not a surprise ~ thankfully I had learned that earlier in the pregnancy and was able to go through a bit of a grieving process before he was born. You see, I long for a little girl to have tea with and to play dress-up with and to instill in her the beauty and strength of who God made her to be. Maybe it's a desire to "do it the right way" or maybe it's just that whenever I allowed myself to wonder if I'd ever get married and have a family a little girl would be in the picture. So I grieved a bit before Micah was born. (By the way...God is so good! I am thankful beyond words that I was able to do that grieving before he was born and I was able to hold him and behold the wonder of a him in my arms just as I did with his brother...and with his sister many years earlier.)
However, the fact that a "him" was born into our family isn't what changed my life. It's the fact that HE was born into my life! You see, Caleb was a pretty easy baby. He was calm and slept well and his personality was just so sweet. Going into son #2 I figured it would be no problem. Have you noticed how sick of a sense of humor God has sometimes? I'm just kidding! It's not really sick as much as it is unbelievable. Micah as a baby was the exact opposite of Caleb. I personally think it was because I had way too many doubts about the abilites of mothers with hard babies. I didn't think they couldn't handle it, I just figured there had to be something they weren't doing that would turn the whole thing around. I know!! Hello!? Earth to Trayc! Well, God took care of that. He gave me Micah. Now, before I go on I have to say that I love this little guy with my whole heart ~ I'm simply stating facts. I also can see now the gift of that experience as I come in contact with Moms of all stages with young children. I am able to relate to them all due to the wide variety of past experiences...I know what it's like to surrender your child into God's hands and trust Him with the future...I know what it's like to have a baby who makes you look like you're a great Mom just because they're so easy...and I know what it's like to have a baby who makes you wonder if you were ever cut out to be a Mom just because they're so strong-willed. (hmmm...I wonder which one I was ~ a Caleb baby, I'm sure! LOL!)
Micah taught me that there is nothing certain in this world. There are no definites. There will always be situations where no matter what you do to change it it is what it is and that's that. There will never be anything in your future that you can say how it's going to turn out without any shadow of a doubt. There will never be another person in your life who will be the person you need them to be every time. There will never be a time when you can say "this for sure" will happen because we have planned it well and we are just so on top of it. There will never be a day when you can make your list and make sure everything on it gets done exactly as you planned. Life is too uncertain. The only thing that is constant is the love of Christ and His faithfulness. For three years I've been trying to learn and remember that. Somedays I hit it on the head. Other days it hits me on the head. Thank God for brand new tomorrows!

So on to event #2 ~ Grandma Tooley died. I can't say I was especially close to Grandma Tooley, but I admire the lady tremendously. I mean, hello! She gave birth to FIFTEEN children!!!! All hers! Not a blended family....she gave birth to fifteen children! That in and of itself is worthy of the Motherhood hall of fame in my book! As I stop and think about it for a moment most of the women in my life are women I admire. My Mom is one of the most disciplined students of the Bible I know ~ My Aunts Mary, Bess, Vera, JoAnn, Susan, Sandi and Lyn are women who I think are fun, funny, strong and world-changers I am proud to know ~ Donna, Betsy and Leslie are women of Faith I want to be like when I grow up ~ my sister...you already know how I feel about her ~ my friends Jennifer, Jennifer, Tracy & Tammy are strong and beautiful women I am proud to know ~ I don't know that I've chosen them, but I know I am surrounded by incredible women. Grandma Tooley is kind of the matriarch of the bunch. She is definitely a "Martha." With 14 kids running around there wasn't much time for coffee and coffee-cake around the table with friends. No, I suppose it was more like baking bread and making dinner in the kitchen with friends (and man, could she cook! Cook of the Week in the Sioux Falls Argus Leader in 1976). She passed on that Martha syndrome to the women in our family ~ I don't fit in too well there. I'd much rather sit at the table and hear stories and hearts speak than worry about the gravy getting lumpy-bumpy...it caused some trouble growing up...remember that word "spoiled?" :)

Okay, so how did her passing change my life? Well, the obvious is that when someone you love passes away your life changes whether you want it to or not. The not so obvious in this case is that I wasn't able to go home for her funeral. My brother was in the middle of the ocean on a Navy ship in a time of war ~ I was sitting in Redding, CA with two little boys wondering why on earth I wasn't in South Dakota with my other family members who shared the history of a beautiful woman. This is one of those situations that is what it is and that's that. I said I can't change the situation, but I didn't say it can't change me.

I no longer look at people and events as no big deal. In fact, I don't think I ever did. I believe roadblocks don't stop you from doing what you need to do, priorities do. I believe in keeping your priorities in the correct order, but I also believe you need to evaluate priorities every now and then and re-shuffle the ones from #3 on down. (#1 - God, #2 - spouse, #3 - children...and #3 gets reshuffled only when they're on their own and you need to step out and let them grow up) Therefore, I believe that even though I had just given birth to a son a few weeks earlier and my husband was traveling something could have been worked out for Caleb, Micah and me to be there where I could grieve with those who knew the lady I was grieving. I'm not whining - I'm stating facts and taking a chance of baring my heart. I guess in some way I need to write this because not being at Grandma's funeral is a regret I will have until the day I die....along with not being at my nephew's wedding that same summer. There are other regrets and none of them have anything to do with things ~ they all are regrets over not being there for someone when I had the opportunity to celebrate their life.

If you have someone you'd like to celebrate, please share it in the comments section. Just click on the underlined "comments" and a new window will pop up ~ you can leave your comment there. If you have any problems with it you can e-mail me, too. singwithtrayc@hotmail.com I'd love to sit and hear your stories and listen to your heart speak ~ celebrate someone today, honor their memory, do what you have to do to have no regrets when they're not there anymore.

Here's that devotional I mentioned at the beginning...

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Grief & Reconciliation

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. Psalm 23:1-3

We buried my dad recently. After two weeks of battling complications from surgery, his body was tired, worn out and ready to rest. It is said that there are only two things in life that are certain: death and taxes. I’d rather pay taxes today, tomorrow, and everyday than lose someone so near to my heart. If you’ve lost someone close to you, you understand this, too.

Grief and sorrow are painful links in the chain of life that bind us together. Even though we come from different generations, different ethnic groups, different socio-economic backgrounds, or different educational backgrounds, there are some things that bring us together. Sorrow and grief do just that. They are universal experiences, universal emotions. C. S. Lewis, one of the greatest theologians of modern time, penned A Grief Observed after the death of his wife. In it he says, “There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in….I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”

Grief brings with it an unbearable pain, even to believers. In his most well-known Psalm (Psalm 23), David bares his soul and expresses his devotion to God even when things around him are dark, frightening and confusing. He hangs on to the promise of the Shepherd: to look after His sheep. This picture is continued in John 10:14-15 as Jesus says, “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me -- just as the Father knows me and I know the Father --and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

In times of grief, it is easy to feel lonely, isolated and misunderstood. We need to give ourselves permission to feel the fullness of these emotions. Even Jesus grieved over the deaths of close companions like John the Baptist and Lazarus. It’s the paradoxical truth that love is accompanied by pain. But what would life be like without the opportunity to love deeply? I was fortunate. I had many good years with my dad. Like many, we had some rough times to navigate through, but we took the time to heal some deep wounds and to renew a relationship that ended with no regrets.

Perhaps you are hurting today. Have sorrow and grief replaced the joy you shared in a relationship with someone? Why not make today a day of reconciliation? Yes, you may have to put aside your pride, admit your own wrongs and take responsibility. Or you may need to lovingly confront someone who has hurt you. Today is a new day and a new opportunity to begin again. Perhaps the person you need to forgive, or need forgiveness from, is already gone. Take some time and write a letter, granting forgiveness or asking for it. God has a way of transcending time and bringing healing even when the person is no longer present.

There is no better time than today. Live your life with no regrets. Love deeply. Forgive often.

GOING DEEPER:
1. Make a list of those with whom you need reconciliation. Begin today to restore relationships.
2. Who needs to hear the words, “I love you,” from you today? Start today and tell them every time you see them.
3. Maybe you need to grieve today. Set aside some time to feel the fullness of your emotions and allow God to be your healer.

FURTHER READING:Psalm 23; John 10: 1-18; Psalm 13

This devotional was written by Leslie Snyder.