I was rather convicted about something. It seemed that my heart was more tender, more creative, in the way it responded to what God was teaching me. I admit that I have an innate sense of wonder about me, but as I've gotten older and experienced more I also have to be honest and say that the luster has worn off on some of what I thought my life would be. It's not a bad thing. No. It's not a bad thing...because like a favorite leather briefcase or purse I have found that with the rubbings, the jarrings, the unexpected spills and falls and foibles there comes a warm and homey patina. To know my life has begun to gain a patina, if you will, is a blessing because it means I've experienced life and lived to tell about it so far.
However, sometimes a patina isn't such a good thing. Like when it means the luster has worn off on a relationship or your once-exciting-and-vibrant wash of commitment to something has dulled and become worn. Much like I realized as I read through some of my writings from 10 years ago.
I wrote a lot more poetically then. Maybe it's because my Mommy's brain wasn't able to focus long enough to write full sentences so poetry flowed more easily. Whatever the reason, though, I can remember what was going on when I wrote some of them. Like this one:
Freedom of Sweet Release
Trayc Foskett 2003
To know the freedom of sweet release
Is to feel the chains of bondage cease
To know the One who set me free
Is to love that One for eternity
To love like yesterday’s no more
Is to find the love I looked for before
To see the light in my earthly gift’s eyes
Is to know what I once thought was truth is actually lies
The evil one tries to keep me in chains
The Righteous One comes and stakes me His claim
Never again will I be bonded to death
The One who saved me assures me of this
To know the freedom of sweet release
To know the Savior promises peace
To know that forever with Him I will live
Is to raise my hands in surrender and to Him my life give
I remember writing this. I was going through Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" study. I didn't realize just how much I allowed the chains of my past to hold me back from being who God had made me to be, but in going through this study at this time of my life ~ Bam was only a couple months old when I started and was already proving to be a handful and NOT a sleeper, The Hubster was traveling to the Coast Tuesday through Friday and only home on weekends, CJ was 3 and wanted so much of my attention, we lived even then away from our immediate families, and I was fully entrenched in the New-Mommy mentality of "how am I going to do this?" ~ I realized something more. My past and my inner struggles with who I thought I was supposed to be wasn't enough to hold God back from loving me. When I realized how deep and how wide His love and grace were, I couldn't help but write the poem above.
It's funny, though, looking back on these writings. Because the boys were so young and The Hubster was traveling so much I tend to think I didn't have time to do much studying and writing and such. Seeing these reminds me that no matter where we are in life, when it comes to what we are called to do, we will find time for it. If we don't find time for it we will slowly wither. If we allow ourselves to slowly wither for too long we shrivel. If we shrivel too much we die. From a Mom who realizes just how busy life can be and sometimes holds on to too much weight of the world on her shoulders may I say something to you? DON'T WITHER! Take the time to figure out what it is that you *cannot* NOT do! Remain vibrant. Remain alive. Seek your calling and, even if it means you do it in snippets, do it.
The next poem I found is just as relevant to my journey today as it was 10 years ago. I get scared sometimes. Scared that I might actually write something and have someone respond to it. Scared that I might share something I wrote and have someone tell me it's crap. Scared that I might not really hear my calling correctly...for a long time I thought it was to be a singer and my life would be filled with music at all times. I get scared that I might cause more burdens for people than helps and in my writing and thinking I should share it someone thinks I'm in it for me and not for the purpose of bringing hope to a hurting world.
I.
That's the problem word right there. It's when I realize fear is starting to overtake me that I have to step back and pull my focus away from that word.... I. Ninth letter of the alphabet. One letter = One word. Ownership. Self-centeredness. Pride.
When fear comes in and pulls us away from the work we are to be doing it's time to remember something...
Lord, You Are
Trayc Foskett 2003
I’m staring at this computer screen thinking
“Lord, You Are”
In my eyes they seem to be blinking
“Lord, You Are”
It’s the truth that I hold to
When I don’t know where to go to…
“Lord, You Are”
You Are…
Comfort to my hurting heart
Calm to the anxious part
Peace to my bundled nerves
Protection from my angry swerves
Direction to my scrambled thoughts
Cleaner of all my sin-stained blots
Rest to my weary bones
Hearer of all my silent moans
Keeper of my private dreams
Deliverer of my fearful screams
Counselor for my colorful past
Reminder of what will truly last
Savior of my unworthy life
Bridegroom to this lucky wife
Everything I ever could ask for
Everything…and so much more
So as I sit here at this computer screen thinking
Of the things in me that seem to be stinking
I will trust You for what You are doing in me
To make me the me that You need me to be
Knowing You’re doing what You’re doing for a reason
In this time and in this season
I will cling to three words that will help me go far…
Three mighty words… “Lord, You ARE”
I don't know where you're at in your life right now. Maybe you're a high school student who is wondering where your future will take you. Maybe you're a college student wondering what the future holds. Maybe you're a Parent wondering what kind of world your kids will grow up in. Maybe you're a Grandparent looking back and seeing places you succeeded and places you wish you had done differently. Maybe you're single. Maybe you're married. Maybe you're reading this in English or having Google translate it for you to your native language. It doesn't matter who, where or what you are....what matters is Who HE is. HE, God Almighty, is the Great I Am, and that is what matters.
The other night I watched a concert for Newtown, CT and Max Lucado shared a phrase, "The Lord is my Shepherd." He at one time asked the audience what their favorite word was in that phrase. Many shouted out "Shepherd" or "Lord" or "My." Max laughed and pointed out that there really wasn't a bad word in the entire phrase but that his favorite word was, "IS." God IS...He isn't WAS as in past tense...He isn't GONNA BE as in the future...HE IS.
Cling to that no matter where your world is going, okay? Cling to the fact that you have been called to two things and only one of them is exactly the same as everyone else. What is that, you ask? It's to experience the Freedom of Sweet Release. To know WHO you are because you know WHOSE you are. The other thing is up to you and God to find out. The second thing you've been called to is your calling...your purpose...the reason you interact with the people you do and have the quirky-quirks about you that you do. Take the time to discover both of them and you'll be amazed at the joy that will bubble out of you.
IN closing may I hearken back to my Lutheran upbringing and leave you with a benediction?
Go in peace. Serve the Lord.
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