HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SOPHIE!

Twelve years ago this morning I held the most beautiful and amazing little girl in my arms. After 3 hours of pushing, an umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, and the fear of her getting "stuck" in the birth canal too late for an emergency C-section (and MANY prayers from everyone in the room!) she was "on the other side." Amazing, really.

Amazing that such a battle would go on over such a small little body ~ I think the fight was over the impact of a soul such as hers on society. She lives...God wins. She dies...the enemy does. Guess what? GOD ALWAYS WINS!!!

It's a hard day for me, these days I am forced to stop and feel the feelings all over again. There is a common misnomer about the woman who places her child for adoption. Either she is projected as a young woman too young to be a mother and forced by those around her (the older and wiser) to place her child for adoption. Or she is spoken of as a heartless woman who wanted to be free of the strains of motherhood. Or she is seen as a pseudo-mom who makes the "right" choice to place her daughter for adoption but then never leaves her to be a part of her adopted family on her own...she is, in many ways, mom numero dos. Or, my personal favorite myth, she is a strong woman who does the right thing, has the faith to see it through and be strong about sharing it and will always be able to be a part of the child's life because of the beauty of the gift of adoption without ever struggling with where she fits, how to communicate with "her child", or where the boundaries are between her own personal family and the family she placed in the arms of another couple to raise. Not one of them is true in it's entirety.

A birth mother has to set her own boundaries. She must, in every sense of the word, hold herself back from what she longs to do. An equivalent may be the feeling a parent gets when they see a mother in a store yelling at her child...as a parent who loves you long to say something, but knowing your boundaries, you keep your mouth shut and try to catch the child's eye to let them know you see them. Such is the birth mother's place. As the Birth Mother of a child in a semi-open adoption, I have placed my boundaries in such a way as to allow her to have her family without the confusion of where I fit in...and for my husband and I to have our family without the confusion of where she fits in. These are healthy boundaries. They may not always seem fair, and they certainly aren't always easy, but they are the boundaries nonetheless.

Days like this make me want to scream! Not because of anything the child I placed for adoption does or did...NO! But because days like this bring the healthy boundaries back in to the uncomfortable and struggling range.

I think days like this do that on both sides of the equation. We on "this" side wonder, "should we call? When is a good time to call? Will I interrupt a family celebration if I call? Will an e-mail seem too impersonal? What if I have a super busy day and don't even get the chance to do either? UGH! Will she think I don't love her if I don't contact her...don't send her anything...don't whatever? UGH!!!" I can only venture to guess, but I would venture to guess that on the "other" side there are thoughts like, "will she call? When will she call? Will she send a gift on time this time or will it be late like always? If she doesn't call how will we "pick up the pieces" so to speak? How do we handle the differences between her family and the family that is so much a part of our lives? Why do we have to wonder?" Days like this bring all the questions, the frustrations, the fears back to the surface and so I struggle through...

Hmmm, I say "days like this" as if they're a bad thing. They're not. They are necessary and very much a part of the adoption process. Just like a marriage adoption doesn't just happen once. For the adoptive family I think it does (only because they have the child with them 24/7), but not for the birth mother. No. For the birth mother the adoption process happens with great regularity. I find myself having to let go of my dreams for my daughter daily at times. Just like surrendering my children who live with me to the Lord's care, I must daily surrender the desire for my daughter to live in my home...with her family of origin. Let me clarify: it is not a psychological wound that will one day rupture and cause me to steal my daughter like so many stupid we-really-don't-have-any-idea-what-adoption-is-really-like novels out there. It is not that kind of surrendering...it is, instead, the continual surrender of a heartfelt desire to be the mother to my daughter. I have two boys in my house...I have friends with daughters and when I see the struggle, pain and beauty of a mother-daughter relationship my heart yearns for what I will never have. My heart aches for that which I could have had, but knew should not happen.

It's days like this that I need to reaffirm my faith in a God who loves me...sees me...hurts with me...and is everything I need and so much more. Even when what I want isn't what He gives me. Even more so then.

So, today...on Sophie's 12th birthday (she corrected me this summer...I could have sworn she was turning 13! Seriously! I somewhere lost a year...and there is nothing that feels worse than realizing you got your own child's age wrong), I have struggled. I have written her notes and letters and wished I had the ability to frame a relationship beyond, "hi, Soph, how are you?" I am not like that, though. Not with someone I long so desperately to be more than casual with. When I talk to people I love I want to connect on a heart-to-heart level. It is sewn into the fabric of my personality. I hate shallow conversations when there is so much more to say! But often when I only speak randomly and know so very little about them I clam up and don't say the words I long to say...mainly because they seem inappropriate. Who am I to say I love so deeply when I know so shallowly? Who am I to express a mother's love with a daughter who knows so very little about me? So, instead, I remain a connected stranger and pray for the day when a relationship ~ two-sided and interested on a mutual level ~ will surface. God knows the timing of that. I have no idea. I only know it isn't now...not quite now.

I realize in re-reading this post that it seems awfully selfish to be writing about me instead of celebrating the amazing life that is Sophie. I certainly do realize it. Maybe it's because of the pondering of events in the recent past that everything seems to be coming to a head today. Maybe it's because for the past few weeks (a couple of months, really) I have thought about and thought about whether I am a bad person for wanting healthy boundaries in my life where my adopted daughter is concerned. I have debated and rebutted so many ideas of what kind of person I am simply because I do not believe it healthy for a birth mother to be overly involved in her child's life...I do not believe it to be healthy for my daughter, or for my own family I have the obligation to serve and raise now. Yes, I believe that's why I've written this kind of post instead of the standard "WOO HOO!!" post I would be writing on this day. (not that inside I'm not saying "WOO HOOO!!!" Quite the contrary! I have spent more time looking at pictures of Sophie and thinking about the miracle of her life than I normally do. I have certainly said, "WOO HOO!!" many times today.)

I have come to understand that I am not a "Mommy Warbucks" in her life who will call and gush at the appropriate times simply because I'm supposed to. I am the woman who made a choice in her favor. That's all I am. She doesn't need another Mother. She needs to know I made a choice in her favor because I love her with every beat of my heart. I love her, but I'm not her Mom. She has a Mom. The Mom God chose for her. And I personally think she has a really great MOM.

So I say, "happy birthday!" from a distance, and add one more day to my daily prayers that God will protect her heart and always let her know ~ down deep ~ that no matter how often we talk or communicate on any level she is loved with a love that knows no end. Always.

Happy Birthday, Sophie. I love you.